How To Influence Your Family
Dads, its our day!
I hope that no one judges the state of fatherhood in America by the Father’s Day card rack at Wal-Mart or the local pharmacy! I stopped this week to get a couple of cards, one for my Dad and one for my Dad-in-law. Too many of the cards implied that the way to recognize Dad was to give him a cold beer, hand him the TV remote, turn down the AC, overlook the various noises produced by his body, and leave him alone!
Ouch! Is that how many men are relating to their families?
I want to present a whole different vision for Fathers this morning. What I’m going to talk about isn’t an easy assignment.
Being a good Dad is tough job. God, in His wisdom, has given men a place of leadership in the family that no one else can fill. One of the key factors that contributes to a child becoming a stable, productive adult who is able to form solid, lasting relationships is the presence of an active, engaged, and loving father.
By the way, the job is not over when they leave for college, get their first job, or get married! I am still my kids’ Dad and my Dad is still an important influence in my life.
Since January, when he learned of his cancer, I’ve had the privilege of spending a day or two almost every week with him. He’s still teaching me with his courage. Despite a medical prognosis that is grim, he holds onto his faith, and shares his life with people. In the shadow of mortality, our relationship has deepened and I think so often of how much his life has shaped mine! Thank you, Dad!
Before we get to more heavy stuff, let me pass along a little advice I wish someone had given me when my kids were 3.
Tim Wesemann gives his readers a two-word piece of advice: "Lighten up!" He says that adults laugh an average of 15 times a day while children laugh 400 more times. "Some time between childhood and adulthood, we lose 385 laughs a day! That's a great loss!" Wesemann says, "Maybe we need not only the faith of a child but the funny bone of one as well."
Ecclesiastes 3:4 in the Scriptures agrees: [There is] "A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance."
(PRAY)
Dad, have you misunderstood your role in the home?
Some think their “Dad” work is done when they send the mortgage check, make the car payment, buy the bacon, and take the family on a vacation! When they are home, they’re missing in action because they are taken up with sports, TV, and hobbies.
Whenever Dad is present, but uninvolved, there is a leadership vacuum.
Men, if we don’t live up to our responsibility to our families, we should not be surprised that our families struggle to stay intact. If we blame our wives for failing to keep our families together while we are emotionally and/or spiritually absent, we are being extremely unwise. God has entrusted the leadership of our homes to us.
Please know this!
Dad, your place at the head of your home is not a throne from which to rule, but rather one of influence that flows primarily out of actively looking for ways to meet your family’s needs-- spiritual, emotional, and financial - and making that the number one priority of life.
Ephesians 5:25-27 says – Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
It continues a few verses later with this exhortation in 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
The Message, a contemporary translation of the Bible, helps to better understand that instruction. In it we read,
Fathers don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them.
Instead take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.
I’ve shared this with you in the past, but it bears repeating! In his book, Sold Out, Bill McCartney, founder of the PromiseKeepers movement and former championship football coach, tells of coming to grips with this responsibility after hearing Jack Taylor preach.
The pastor said,
“Do you want to know about a man? Do you really want to know about his character?
Then look into his wife’s face. Whatever he has invested in her, whatever he has withheld from her will be reflected in her face.”
Taylor went on to talk about a husband’s calling to bring his wife to her potential, to affirm and nurture his wife so she can flourish as a woman and her God-gifting as a person.
That’s a sobering idea, but solid and worthy of our consideration, Christian husband and father!
We need to ask ourselves –
∙ Is my wife full of unrealized longings because I fail to serve her and prioritize her desires?
∙ Is she defeated, broken, and bitter? Or is she alive, vibrant, and ready to serve God alongside of me?
Do we do anything for God as partners?
∙ Does she have to look for encouragement and affirmation from others because she so seldom hears a positive word from me?
As the leader of your home, man, your work is to encourage her and to coach from her all the potential God has built into her. Peter tells us - “Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground.” - 1 Peter 3.7 Msg
About 15 years ago, Bev and I met Harry and Bev, an older minister and his wife of 50+ years. Harry died last year when he was nearly 90 years of age! Their marriage modeled tender love. They had served as missionaries in the Middle East for many years and continued to be servants of Jesus in the little town in Massachusetts where we lived.
I remember having lunch in their home one day and as I looked at her across the table and saw a woman neasr 80 years of age who still possessed a zest for living. She was no old hag, worn out by a beer-swilling, foul-mouthed, selfish man. She was a woman of dignity and beauty whose husband had faithfully provided loving leadership. I remember praying,
“That’s the kind of marriage I want. I want to invest in my wife, loving her, encouraging her, supporting her so that in her old age she is still full of zest for life, still waking up with joy. Lord, teach me how to provide this kind of leadership in my home.”
Now men, I'm not trying to make any one feel guilty. The fact is, nothing in society prepares us for this role, and it is a very difficult role to fill. But God never asks us to do anything for which He does give us the resources and ability!
In Acts 16, there is a story about how a man became the spiritual leader in his household. I'll tell you right now how he did it: he led by his own example. The result was that he was filled with joy and his whole family life was revolutionized.
TEXT - Acts 16, Pew Bible page 1721
Here's the story. Paul and Silas were preaching in the town of Philippi. When they prayed for a young woman who was being exploited by some greedy men and she was set free, they raised a commotion. This led to trouble with the city officials, who ordered the preachers to be stripped, beaten, and thrown in jail. The city officials told the jailer to guard Paul and Silas carefully so he put them in an inner cell and placed them in stocks.
Late into the night, Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns loud enough for all to hear. Suddenly, there was a mighty earthquake, shaking the foundations of the jail. The doors flew open and everyone's chains came loose. The jailer (who probably lived in the same building as the jail) panicked. It was his job to guard Paul and Silas, and now it appeared they had escaped. He knew that his punishment would likely be death, so he took out his sword and prepared to take his own life. At this point Paul called out to him, "Don't harm yourself! We are all here!"
This was more than the jailer could take. It’s not explicitly stated in the Scripture, but I don’t find it too much of a stretch of imagination that this jailer was intrigued by these preachers of a a new Gospel. Perhaps he had even listened with amazement as Paul and Silas started singing praises to God in that dark and filthy dungeon! Now they had a chance to escape and they didn't! The Holy Spirit touched his heart and he realized that his life was sadly lacking the qualities he saw in those amazing men.
Pick up the story with me at v. 29 -34.
The story of the jailer ends here, but in these few verses we can see four examples he set for his family that helped him establish himself as the spiritual leader of his home. If you want to give your family the leadership they need- if you want to coach a winning team- these are four examples they need to see in you.
Be the spiritual leader in your home!
The salvation of the jailer's household began with his own realization that he was spiritually empty and needed something more in his life. So he asked Paul, "What must I do to be saved?"
Every man must ask himself, "Where do I stand spiritually? What is my relationship with God?"
More than one man has told me, “My wife handles the religion in the family.”
How is it that the same man who can handle 10 kids on a Little League team, who can lead a project at work with 20 other managers, who can use his skill to control a huge piece of construction equipment, becomes a silent stone when it is time for prayer or advice from the Scripture for his own kids. If he has so neglected his own spiritual life, that he is dry well, he will have no Living Water to offer his family.
Other men think that the job is done if they get the kids to Sunday School. “My kids will learn good moral lessons from the Pastor and the teachers,” he says. And, they will- but the lessons will lose their impact if the children don't see evidence of spirituality in Dad. Boys, especially, will be quick to conclude that if it is not important to Dad, it isn’t important to them, either.
Some many children who go to Sunday School and church, toss the faith when they reach high school or when they reach college. My own kids wandered and wavered, but each has come around to a solid faith in Christ that they own for themselves. Two of the four are involved in active ministry working in church-run schools. Recently I asked my adult kids - “Why did you claim faith as your own? Why did you return to Christ and the Church as an adult?” Without a moment’s hesitation, they said,
“Because Mom and you demonstrated the value of it and you were totally authentic. Dad, you were the same man at home as you were in public. It was too real to ignore!”
It was a humbling conversation. And, my prayer is that I will never give them cause to doubt the love of God or the value of giving their lives to Him.
Dad, are you the spiritual leader in your home? Some basic skills we need to provide that kind of leadership include –
PRAYER
∙ God tells us to pray without ceasing. Obedience includes the example you set in prayer. Pray with and for your family, Dad. This may seem difficult to do at first, since prayer is such a personal thing and we men are terminally macho. Begin, at least, to say prayers at meal time. Avoid the religious cliches and speak to God reverently from the heart. The only bad prayers are dishonest prayers!
KNOWING THE WISDOM OF THE BIBLE
∙ Teach your family the Scripture. This causes many fathers to panic. (And many children to be overcome with a sense of dread.) It doesn't have to be that way. There is a lot of resource material out there for families of each and every age group. Make time to teach the Scripture to your kids, first thing in the morning, just before bed, whenever you can make it work. Are you unable to do it everyday? Commit to as many days as you can. IF the only time your kids see or hear the Bible is here at church, it won’t have much of an impact on them. But, if the wisdom of the Word is brought into your home, your example will powerfully teach your kids.
Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one.
Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.
Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the
road, when you lie down and when you get up.
Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.
Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
LIVE AUTHENTICALLY
∙ Are you living authentically, admitting when you fail, celebrating your successes, being open about your doubts and struggles? Let your family see your walk with God.
Don’t think that means you have to become a wimpy, half-guy kind of person! Don’t confuse weak or effeminate behavior with spirituality! Be a spiritual MAN!
More about that in minute.
A second way to lead your family by example is...
Show the meaning of love with your own actions.
The basic evidence of genuine spirituality is love. Now, Dad, I know that’s a tough word for many of you. For most of us, a slap on the back comes a lot more naturally than a hug. I’ll give you that. But when Christ is guiding our lives we will learn to care for others. We will learn to treat them with respect.
Paul and Silas were this jailer's responsibility, and at first the jailer did the very least he had to do in order to take care of them. They had been stripped, severely beaten and sent to jail. The jailer's response was to toss them in the dungeon and shackle them. Apparently, he wasn't concerned that they were bruised and bloody; he was more concerned with his own well-being. But that night, he had a spiritual awakening. What did he do next? (v. 33) At that hour of the night the jailer took them and washed their wounds.
Paul and Silas were still his prisoners; he couldn't set them free for that was beyond his authority. He did treat them with dignity and compassion: he washed their wounds. He could have done that when they were first thrown into his jail, but he was a different man then. A spiritual man treats others with dignity.
Men, we are raised to compete, to view everyone as an opponent, and all social interaction as competition. The result can be a fear that someone is always going to get the best of us. May God teach us how to get past the bluff, the posturing, the bragging and competition to treat others with respectful dignity regardless of their power, wealth, race, or attractiveness. Here’s some questions to put to yourself....
∙ How do I talk about women, people of different races, or those of other religions?
∙ How do you treat poor people, or people that lack social status?
∙ What is your response to people with physical or mental limitations?
Remember your values are much better caught than taught!
If Christ is loving you, then you should be learning a generous love for others.
The third way to lead your family by example is...
Practice Generosity. (v. 34) The jailer brought them into his house and set a meal before them.
The jailer went above and beyond his call of duty by bringing prisoners into his home and feeding them.
∙ Are you selfish with your time and resources, Dad?
∙ Do you find a way to give yourself what you believe that you need, while forcing your wife and children to go without?
∙ When you need some time off do you just assume that your wife and children should adjust to your schedule?
∙ Do you assign your kids to chores without working alongside of them?
If so, you need to re-think your concept of generosity. Give, above and beyond duty.
One of the most lasting legacies you will give your family is teaching them to share themselves and their resources with others. Show them the way.
Serve with them. Give your family the opportunity to see you serving others.
Find a ministry in your church.
Visit in a nursing home once a month.
Mow the yard of an elderly neighbor.
Be creative and find a way for your whole family to serve with you.
A fourth way you can lead your family by example...
Practice obedience. (v. 33) Immediately he and all his family were baptized.
The jailer showed his family that when it came to obeying Christ, he was going to lead the way. Baptism was a public statement of his decision to follow the way of Jesus. We don’t how or where this man and his family were baptized, but there was no hesitation. If he was ready to take such a stand in a city so hostile to the Christian message, he was also willing to be obedient in other areas.
Let your faith in Christ invade every corner of your life. Obey the Spirit about the practical things like what you choose to watch on TV, the way you play your sports games, the way you talk.
God asks us to be holy, which is primarily a decision to belong to God and to things that reflect well on Him. Do it and your family will fall into line.
________________________________
We all want to manage a winning team, right?
Every father wants to have a positive influence on his family. That goes without saying.
For all of us today it means that we must answer the challenge to lead our families by our example.
Paul, the spiritual father of thousands, wrote to a church he planted saying, Philippians 3:17 Dear brothers and
sisters, pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example.
Would you say that to your family? Sure, that’s a lot of responsibility, but you’re NOT alone. God the Holy Spirit, lives in you. The church exists to support you. And nobody is asking anybody to be PERFECT!
Think, Dad, of sense of reward that will be yours when your adult kids look to you with respect and honor. Think of joy of seeing your kids making life decisions that show that they too are putting God first.
Think of privilege of spending eternity with your kids and their kids... knowing that your faithful leadership set the example that pointed them to the love and service of Jesus Christ.
Amen.
Jerry D. Scott
Copyright 2008 all rights reserved