“How to be a Better Lover” Series- Message # 2

Review: Two weeks ago I began a series of messages around the theme- “How to be a Better Lover!”

This series is drawn, in large part, from material in a book called, Bold Love, written by Dr. Dan Allender.

Jesus Christ says that love is the mark of the child of God. My firest message was about three stories

that teach us about the quality of the to which we are called ....

∙ The story of a wayward son and a waiting Father shows us that love is persistent and forgiving.

∙ The story of the man who rescued a stranger who had been mugged and left for dead on the road tells us that love is costly and often inconvenient.

∙ The story of a woman who found forgiveness for her many sins through Jesus and who then washed his feet with her tears teaches us that love will be extravagant, reckless, and in the eyes of some: scandalous.

Love appears to be a weak, foolish, and impractical as a response to life. We are tempted to respond to the sins of others with power, control, or violence but God taught us that ultimately love conquers when He responded to a sinful universe by sending His Son into the world.

Dr. Leonard Sweet writes this arresting line:

“In a world that prides itself in its love of force, difference yourself: Be known for imagining the force of love!”

(11 Indispensable Relationships, 2008, David C. Cook Publishing)

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“Why is Love so hard?”

Will you have Carol to be your wife, to live together in the holy relationship of marriage?

Will you love her, cherish her, give honor to her, support and respect her, and through joy and sadness remain with her , keeping yourself only for her as long as you both shall live?

When the vows are read, eyes mist over. Women weep. Men wipe their eyes. We are stirred by the thought of pure love, lasting and strong. Then comes the hard part, turning words in loving action.

Apparently, for many it is more difficult than they ever imagine. The stark evidence of the difficulties of love is the rate at which we divorce.

“I just didn’t think it would be so hard!” These are the words of a person working through some real challenges in marriage. He isn’t the first person to come to this harsh realization about love and relationships. Most of us enter into marriage thinking that our romance will smooth away all the friction! After all, we’re never going to fight like our Mom and Dad did. We’re not going to be so petty as to let those little things get to us. Isn’t that right?

But somehow the very habits that are so cute during courtship are the ones that drive us crazy after we’re married. We’re shocked that the choice of the dinner menu can take on national crisis proportions. We’re amazed that the person who was so gentle and loving turns into a lioness with fangs bared when she tired. Love is hard. A divorce rate of about 50% testifies to the fact that “love is hard!”

Why is LOVE so hard?

Because genuine love is unnatural, a response that must be learned.

Scandalizing thought, isn’t it?

1 John 4:19 tells us that “We love each other as a result of his loving us first.” NLT

We like to think of ourselves as noble, selfless individuals who consistently offer generous gifts of love, but in reality, we are generally selfish, intensely concerned about our comfort, and easily wounded by both real and imagined slights. What passes for love is often self interest re-packaged to look like love.

Titus 3:3 describes the human condition with these unflattering words:

“Once we, too, were foolish and disobedient. We were misled by others and became slaves to many wicked desires and evil pleasures. Our lives were full of evil and envy. We hated others, and they hated us.”

People insist that they love - their spouse, their kids, even God - and then say things like:

∙ “I love my son but I haven’t spoken with him in 5 years.”

∙ “I love my family, but I can’t give up my lover.”

∙ “I love God, but you can’t expect me to just give my entire life to Him.”

These statements reveal that self-love which wins out over love for spouse, child, or God.

I, myself, am confused by my double-mindedness about love.

I love Bev, my wife, deeply. Yet in moments of irritation I raise my voice to her, criticize her, and even deeply resent her. Why? Because I am, like all people, full of self-love. When she fails to respond to me as I wish, I am capable of shutting her out, of giving her a cold shoulder, even of cruel words that are designed to hurt.

If she frustrates me, disappoints me, rejects me -- my sinful predisposition is to strike back defensively rather than to love unconditionally.

I am shamed by the realization that even the outward motions of expressing love like romantic cards, gifts, flowers, and sharing household responsibilities often come out of manipulative motives involving my needs instead of a pure love for her. I am not proud of that, but it is evidence of a continuing battle with sinful self-worship.

I do not, based on what I see, believe I am alone in this! Many of you, right here this morning, can identify, can’t you? In the secret place of your mind, you know that pure love in your life is not common, that you work very hard at it, yet fail -time and time again.

So, what can we do?

Are we simply doomed to continue longing for love and hoping to love on days when our will is strong?

The failure to love, like all sins, will only find remedy in open confession, owning our sins without excuse, agreeing with God’s assessment of what we do and say. In 1 John 1:9 we are told:
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Love wrecks frequently on the rocks of disappointment. When we discover that others are as self-absorbed as we are, that others who we believe must love us are inconsiderate, even hateful; we often determine that we will never allow anyone to hurt us in the same way again.

In Bold Love, Dr. Allender tells of a woman who came to him for counseling.

It became apparent that the woman’s life was empty of meaningful relationships. She refused to become passionately involved with others or even to open herself up to any real relationship. Gradually her story emerged.

When the woman was a child, she purchased an inexpensive set of glass earrings for her mother. She spent hours wrapping the gift, making a card... readying this gift for presentation.

Before dinner, she gave the present to her mother who was pre-occupied and distracted. The mother set it to one side and promised to open it later. After dinner, the little girl asked her Mommy if she had opened the gift yet. Her mother, who was apparently self-absorbed, replied;

“Honey, I’m afraid I threw that little package away with the dinner trash. I hope you’re not upset.” This mother ignored other sorrows and joys of her daughter until the girl determined that no one would be allowed to disappoint her again ever! Thus she was now a woman incapable of knowing the richness of love because she, just like her mother, had become wrapped in layers of self protection.

It is hard to face that fact that in our natural, sinful state we are selfishly centered on our own needs and desires nearly to the exclusion of any others, but that is exactly what God tells us is true.

We simply want what we want and we want it now. We feel that our desire for fulfilment, happiness, and comfort are at least as important as everything else. Being in love with ourselves precludes our ability to love others purely.

In fact, because our self love, we find that it is a short trip into anger that leads to us hate when our will is frustrated by another – be it an anonymous person in a car; our husband or wife, or a friend.

Self screams for soothing! When our world does not treat us with the dignity we think we deserve, when we do receive the love we desire, we naturally look for another way to feel good. There are dozens of ways that we find to compensate ourselves for disappointment:

lustful thoughts, spending sprees, outbursts of rage, crying fits that frighten others into doing what we want, having an affair, over-eating, abuse of alcohol and drugs, etc.

Loving God is also HARD!

Our self-love collides with our desire for God. A battleground where we need to start to deal honestly with love of self is in our relationship with God. If we remain in love with ourselves and remain convinced that having our needs met is the highest purpose of living, we will not be able to love God.

We will, in fact, come to hate Him.

Jesus said, MAT 6:24 "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love

the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other."

Many of us grow angry with God because He does not do what we think He ought to do.

How many millions of people have prayed for a child to be healed, a marriage to be saved, a financial disaster to be averted and had those prayers seemingly go unanswered?

Many of these same people who professed a devout love of God turn on Him, hating Him for frustrating their plans and/or letting the sting of pain disrupt their lives.

The Bible tells of a young man who came to Jesus earnestly asking “Good teacher what must I do to inherit eternal life?” His self love was revealed when Jesus said, “Go sell your stuff and then come and follow me.” The man walked away sad because he could not give himself away.

The Bible describes us in a way that ought to frighten us.... St. Paul says that in our natural state we are “enemies of God.” (Romans 5.10)

A few moments, we read that the Bible says apart from God’s love we are naturally “foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.”

Enemies of God, we foolishly allows sinful selfishness to make us slaves of selfish desires.

It is easy to read the story of the rich young man who walked away from Jesus and see his foolishness. “How could he turn his back on Jesus that way?” we ask in wonder. But our own foolishness conceals itself and in the deception we only see what is ‘reasonable!’

Hearing this message to this point, you may be concluding that genuine Love is an unreachable destination, an unattainable goal. Or you may be privately saying to yourself: “I hope Pastor Jerry gets a grip on life. What a crank! What a bitter and disappointed person.”

That is exactly WHO I might have been just that EXCEPT for the hope that I found in the Gospel of Love in Christ Jesus!

There is an answer. Tho’ love is hard because of our selfishness, we can learn to love and when we do – we find the joy and fulfillment that Jesus promises to those who love and obey Him!

Our lives will be so unique that what Jesus said about love marking us children of God will be true.

So, what’s the answer?

Turn to 1 John 4:16-20 (PAUSE)

16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. . . . 19 We love because he first loved us. 20 If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.

Let me quote Allender yet again. He writes:

– I will not live with purpose and joy unless I love.

– I will not be able to love unless I forgive.

– I will not forgive unless my hatred is continually melted by the truth and grace of the Gospel of Christ.

God reaches out to us with an offer of love and we can respond in faith. IF we will, His undeserved mercy flows into our lives powerfully. When we have found complete security in God and accept His gift of love, we give control of ourselves to Him. Then, we lower our defenses becoming open. We are capable, because we know the safety of His love, to love others even with the full knowledge that we risk hurt and rejection.

But we will not really hear God or fully accept His love, until we have been stunned into silence and realize our spiritual need and God’s complete provision for that need.

Job’s story in the Bible teaches the principle. This ancient prince lost everything of value in a series of Satanic attacks that God allowed! With God's full knowledge, Satan was allowed to strip Job of all but his life. We, the reader, are given a glimpse into the eternal purposes of God, but Job can only feel his pain, excruciating and terrible as it is. Finally Job can take no more and he rages at God,

Job 31:35 "Oh, that I had someone to hear me! I sign now my defense - let the Almighty answer me; let my accuser put his indictment in writing." In the 38th chapter of the story, God shows up to respond to Job’s accusation.

Job 38:2-4
“Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand.

Job 40:2-4
“Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!”
Then Job answered the LORD:
“I am unworthy—how can I reply to you? “I put my hand over my mouth.”

What an interesting statement of surrender. Job was stunned into silence by the wonder of the revelation of God.

Added to the splendor of His marvelous creation, God now speaks to us with the wonder of His forgiveness through Christ. The Cross of Christ is witness that He pursues us with love that is stunning.

IF we turn and look at that spectacle of love, it will stun us into silence.

No more defending ourselves.

No more offering excuses for our failures at love.

No more blaming. “I will put my hand over my mouth.”

And God, the Holy Spirit, will forgive us and empower us to love. His love begins to transform us into lovers, better than we have ever been before.

The Apostle Paul wrote about it in Romans 5:5-10 –

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! 10 For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!

Friend, in our hatred and/or rejection of Him, the grace of God is such that He does not write us off, but that He pursues us as His beloved ones. We hide in our own attempts at self-sufficiency, our own religiousness, even in our own self-righteousness. But God keeps on trying to get our attention.

If we will stop our restless pursuit of self-centered goals, our headlong plunge into pleasure, or our work-aholic ways and look at Him, we won't find the blazing anger of His wrath that we expected. Instead we find love that stuns us into silence, love undeserved – but freely granted.

It is the Divine Paradox.

In the humiliation of the Cross, subject to the worst kind of violence, God triumphs over sin and evil by a supreme offering of LOVE. Satan believes that the death of Jesus Christ would bring to an end God’s loving pursuit of humanity, but instead God used the death of Christ to satisfy His demand for justice so that He could release us from judgment and love us freely. Then, raising His Son, God declared His victory and our access to eternal life. As the Scripture showed us last week, He is a waiting Father with arms open wide, ready to forgive and show His love to any who will turn from selfish sin to Him and come home.

When we begin to sense the depth of His love, we melt and accept His rule.

The process repeats... over and over again.

Questions about life remain, but as we grow to know His heart, we trust. Love grows in us and we come to a place of peace with Him and with ourselves. When we have been gripped by this love of God, it begins to teach us to recklessly love others. Imitating our Father in Heaven, we pursue those that hate us because they do not understand our ways. Having been forgiven much, we freely forgive others and celebrate our love of them. The heart of God begins to beat in us and what joy we feel.

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Have you been disappointed by love?

Are you embittered, or angry, or closed, or fearful?

Take a second look at the message of God’s love.

Read the Gospel accounts of the death of Jesus Christ again, not as history, but as a love story.

Let Him embrace you with His full forgiveness and give you to the grace that melts the cold hardness of your heart. Secure in His love, you can then begin to release resentment and hatred that you have for others into forgiveness. You can relinquish the debts you feel are owed to you to the One who is ultimately just and triumph in true love.

There is a complicating factor which I want to deal with next week when I return to this pulpit...

The Spiritual Warfare of Love, Understanding the Satan’s strategies of Hate.

Amen