“How to be a Better Lover” Series- Message # 1
“Love - what is this awesome feeling?”
Love! A million songs have been written to celebrate the feeling. Love, in its many expressions pulls at us, drawing us into causes, connecting us to friends, family, and others -- causing us to wake up every morning. We want to be loved even if we do not know it. Dr. Frank Minirth and Dr. Paul Meier, founders of the Minirth-Meier Clinics, call this universal longing – ‘love hunger.’
∙ A baby wails desiring that someone will hold him close, a form of love that he can understand.
∙ A little girl shows off hoping her Dad will notice.
∙ Teens strut their stuff, look their best, and hope that special other person will be attracted.
∙ Young couples work hard to create new families driven by a need to love and be loved.
∙ Parents watch their kids grow up and wonder what the next stage of love will be like.
∙ The elderly dread the loss of interaction and connections that so often happen as they are unable to get out to familiar places and family events.
Experiencing love is essential in order for us to become and remain happy, well-adjusted people. It is a fact that many of the emotional problems that show up in adulthood have their roots in unmet love needs as a child. Love is as critical to our overall health as food and shelter, perhaps even more so.
Up-front in this series, I want to acknowledge the inspiration I have found in a book by Dan Allender, Bold
Love. He treats the subject thoughtfully, and with great wisdom and inspiration of the Holy Spirit. I can only
hope that I represent the subject half as well to you!
Dr. Allender, who is both a student of Scripture and of human behavior, asserts:
“Love is the most essential, life giving gift we offer to another human being. It is also the least-likely, least-natural, least-consistent response that is offered in life’s mundane moments.... Rich moments of other-centered care and sacrifice are rare. Love, tho’ greatly desired, is the exception and the extraordinary!”
What do we find in place of genuine love? There are several cheap substitutes.
∙ Sex is offered up as one of the most common substitutes for love in our culture. In the minds of many
people the words ‘love’ and ‘sex’ mean the same thing. Certainly sex can be an expression of love. Indeed God safeguards the awesome power and potentiality of our sexuality by placing sex within the boundaries of a covenanted marital relationship. Many cheapen sex by divorcing it from love and turning it into just another expression of sensuality. Loveless sex is horribly destructive. Ask any person who has been abused or misused sexually!
∙ Achievement is another love substitute. A level of acceptance of others comes to us when we ‘do well.’ The acceptance and approval that comes from being employee of the month, student of the year, making the big sale, taking the family on an expensive vacation, hitting the home run for the Little League.... feels so good. And many begin to think that love is that approval that comes when they run faster, jump higher, or work harder.
∙ Religion replaces love for some. If people will not/cannot love us, we believe then perhaps we can play the God game and earn His approval. There is enough truth in that feeling to make it seem right. The Bible tells is that God is a great Father whose love cannot be earned through religious acts. His love is available for us to receive through faith as a free gift. More about this in a moment.
∙ Hostility and hatred, curiously enough, are sometimes substituted for love. If one is disappointed by
love often enough, he may conclude that it is best to turn inward and reflect only hatred to the world outside themselves.
My goal in bringing you this series of messages is to turn you into better lovers.
Of course, this is not a series about sexual technique which is how most people read the phrase, “better lover.”
I’ll be talking about important choices, unselfishness, forgiveness, and decisions that lead us to life’s
greatest joys found in loving God and others more consistently and deeply.
I promise you that this series will not be a sentimental journey built on sweet stories about kid and puppies! You will not be subjected to the cheap and often empty emotions of a Hollywood film. This exploration of LOVING could revolutionize your life as you learn to experience the LOVE of God and thus to be a better lover of others.
So let’s explore the subject of LOVING.
(PRAY)
The first truth that we need to underline in our minds again is a familiar one:
Love is the distinguishing characteristic of a child of God
When a theologian asked Jesus to tell him what were the most important commandments, He answered with a starkly simple statement: Mark 12:30-31 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
Likewise, St. Paul summarizes the moral and ethical code governing human behavior with these words:
Romans 13:8-10 Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one
another, for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law. The commandments, “Do not commit adultery,” “Do not murder,” “Do not steal,” “Do not covet,” and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
When asked to describe the nature of those who followed Him, Jesus said this:
John 13:34-35 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you
must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
Do YOU bear the mark of the Christ follower? Do you consistently express love and experience it?
When you stand before God at the judgement, all the questions will come down to these –
∙ Did you love Me?
∙ Did you love others?
What does this kind of love look like?
Jesus never spells out a definition of love because He knows well our legalistic bent that looks for loopholes in definitions. The moment he gave us a definition, we would be looking for the minimum standard of participation! So He shows us what love is by telling us stories of love in action.
Love - forgiving and accepting
One of his stories is found in Luke chapter 15. It was a story Jesus told when the religious leaders who resisted
his work grumbled and said, Luke 15:2 “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.”
Jesus, to help them understand the kind of love God shows to us and requires in us, responded with this story.
A man had two sons. The younger son showed up in his Dad’s office one day with a strange demand., “Give me my inheritance early so I can leave home and find myself.” When he got everything together, he took off for the bright lights and big times in the city. And he lived it up. He had friends too many to count. It was a long party– wine, women, and song in abundance. But, being a short-sighted young man, he failed to see the inevitable end of all his choices and shortly he was broke, friendless, lonely, and desperately hungry. Not only had he wasted his resources. He had failed to plan for the future and just as his money ran out, the economy went bad.
So the young man went and found the only job he was qualified for. He became a tender of a farmer’s pigs. What a place for a Jewish man of a privileged background. In his desperate and sad situation, he found himself dreaming about home. He was certain his Dad wouldn’t want him back, but he hoped that maybe, just maybe... the old man would let him work on the farm as a servant. “After all,” he reasoned, “even Dad’s hired help live better than I’m living now.”
He quit the job, grabbed his backpack, and started for his hometown. What he didn’t know or even conceive was just how much his dad still loved him. Everyday the old man went to the front porch and just stared down the road. His friends told him to stop thinking about his son. The cruelest even suggested that the kid was dead, the victim of his own arrogance. But the father never gave up hope. This morning he went to sit on that porch as he always did. But then he noticed someone on the road... a long ways away. He watched the little figure grow as it came nearer. Something about the way the person was walking was familiar. “It’s my son!” The thought filled him with joy that made him forget all the pain the boy’s rebelliousness had brought to him. He didn’t even wait for the person to get to the gate. Instead, discarding his dignity the old man ran down the road. As the distance closed, his hope turned into certainty. He grabbed his son around the neck and hugged him close even tho’ he stank. He waved off the young man’s suggestion that he be allowed to be a hired man. Still holding his around the shoulders, the father announced to the household....
“ ‘Quick! Bring my best suit and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and shoes on his feet. Prepare a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.” Luke 15:22-23 (loosely translated from the NIV)
Just like the young man, each of us seizes God’s gifts to us, spends and misuses them, and we end up spiritually bankrupt. Even then, contrary to popular opinion, God loves us. As the story illustrates He is just waiting for us to come home. Love is, Jesus taught, forgiving and accepting!
Who has failed you terribly?
A wayward child who has broken your heart over and over again?
An unfaithful spouse?
A dishonest business partner?
A parent who is never there for you?
Other Christians who have deceived you or abandoned you when you needed them most?
WILL YOU love them with a forgiving and accepting love?
Love - costly and inconvenient
Another love story Jesus told is found in Luke chapter 10. Another religious leader questioned Jesus about the way to eternal life. Jesus told him to “love God and your neighbors.” The God-part of Jesus’ answer the man grasped, but he wasn’t so sure about loving his neighbors.
Were ‘neighbors’ those who shared his religion?
Were ‘neighbors’ those who were of similar background, or same race, or same gender?
The man had some idea that Jesus commandment to love others was something he was not doing well. He asks Jesus to define, “neighbor.” Then, Jesus told the famous story of the Good Samaritan.
A man went on a business trip from Jerusalem to Jericho. The road went through desolate territory and was frequently a site of muggings and robberies. But this man disregarded the danger and set out. Brutal men found him alone and beat him badly, stealing everything he had including his clothing. Sometime later a priest came along, but for some reason, he chose not to get involved and took a wide swing around the man who appeared to be dead anyway. A few moments later, a theologian came along the same road and he too ignored the bleeding, broken man.
After some time, another traveler came on the scene. This man was a member of the despised Samaritan minority that most Jews looked down on as morally inferior. He stopped and looked over the naked, bleeding body. He discovered that the man was indeed still alive. Moved deeply for this man he’d never even seen before, he bandaged him as best he could, put him on his donkey and carried him all the way to Jericho. There he found an inn, arranged for the man’s care, and paid the bill in full.
Love, Jesus said, is not limited to those we know or respect. Love is costly and will often be inconvenient.
Do you love only when it fits your comfort zone?
Do you love only when there is some benefit or obligation to yourself?
Have you learned to avoid involvement by carefully averting your eyes from people in need?
Love makes demands of us regardless of convenience and cost.
Love - extravagant and scandalous
There is one more story about love that involves Jesus. It is not a parable, but rather a true story. This one I want to read to you from the Message. Luke 7:36-48
One of the Pharisees asked him over for a meal. He went to the Pharisee’s house and sat down at the dinner table. Just then a woman of the village, the town harlot, having learned that Jesus was a guest in the home of the Pharisee, came with a bottle of very expensive perfume and stood at his feet, weeping, raining tears on his feet. Letting down her hair, she dried his feet, kissed them, and anointed them with the perfume. When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man was the prophet I thought he was, he would have known what kind of woman this is who is falling all over him.”
Jesus said to him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.”
“Oh? Tell me.”
“Two men were in debt to a banker. One owed five hundred silver pieces, the other fifty. Neither of them could pay up, and so the banker canceled both debts. Which of the two would be more grateful?”
Simon answered, “I suppose the one who was forgiven the most.”
“That’s right,” said Jesus. Then turning to the woman, but speaking to Simon, he said, “Do you see this woman? I came to your home; you provided no water for my feet, but she rained tears on my feet and dried them with her hair. You gave me no greeting, but from the time I arrived she hasn’t quit kissing my feet. You provided nothing for freshening up, but she has soothed my feet with perfume. Impressive, isn’t it? She was forgiven many, many sins, and so she is very, very grateful. If the forgiveness is minimal, the gratitude is minimal.”
Then he spoke to her: “I forgive your sins.”
That set the dinner guests talking behind his back: “Who does he think he is, forgiving sins!”
He ignored them and said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you. Go in peace.”
What do we learn about the qualities of love?
∙ Love is extravagant. True love never carefully calculates how much or the worthiness of the one loved.
∙ Love frees us to love! Those who have experienced great love and who are very secure as a result, are free to love extravagantly and with abandon.
∙ Love requires risk. If we are unwilling to expose ourselves to rejection, we will never love!
What a picture of love Jesus paints for us in his stories. I hope that you’ll make time this week to reflect on these stories and even to open your Bibles and read them again with the question – How does this show me a quality of love I need in my life?
As I reflected on this message this week, my mind kept drifting to the headlines that describe the inequities and evil of the world of which we are part.
∙ How can ‘love’ address a world where children are exploited by sinful men?
∙ Can love be an effective way to deal with a dangerous a world that contains terrorists and rekligious hatred?
∙ What’s love got to do with misery and poverty that is the lot of the majority of people in the world?
As I thought about all this, I began to feel foolish about this sermon.
“Jerry, who are you kidding? Love? Come on. What’s love going to do for this broken world?”
Then I thought about the people much closer to home that I know --
people who are struggling to keep their marriages together,
parents whose son has dived into the drug culture,
the man whose wife is a closet alcoholic...
and for a moment, love did seem to be an irrelevant emotion
– a foolish choice in a harsh world.
The more I pondered, the more I realized the importance of love. It is a failure of love that brought about this suffering. Ultimately, love is the only real answer.
Love appears to be a hopelessly impractical, weak, and even foolish response to life BUT it is the most powerful and effective agent of change in the world!
Love was and is God’s response to broken, rebellious, and wicked people.
∙ Power was an option. He could have posted legions of angels to force us to live in the right way.
∙ Control was also an option. He could have taken away our ability to choose making us robots.
∙ Violence was an option. He could have responded in a righteous anger and wiped out the Creation after sin’s entrance. But He didn’t.
Instead, He chose the way of love. He became one of us. He embraced our weakness, subjected himself to our temptations. God, in flesh, grew up in a little village in Galilee of Israel. He told stories to show the highest way of love. People hated him anyway. Eventually, though he was no threat, those in power found Him too threatening and they determined to kill Him. As they nailed Him to a cross, He did not threaten vengeance. He spoke love. “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they’re doing.”
And His Gospel is still changing the world. John says, 1 John 4
9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another... God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him....
19 We love because he first loved us.
WE LOVE BECAUSE HE FIRST LOVED US! What thought.
Look for opportunities to be a better lover this week. Pray that you might know God’s love and be transformed by it. Then pray for His love to be shown through you.
Take this assignment seriously and you’ll find it the most challenging you’ve ever been given.
Amen
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This series is not an exploration of sentimental sloppy Agape’! It is a call to radical Christianity!
I invite you to be here for messages including
– Why is loving so hard?
– Warrior Love
– Loving an Evil Person
– Loving a Foolish, Ordinary Sinner
– The High Cost of Loving
Jerry D. Scott, 2007