Fireproof # 5
A Better Way to Love
The best life lessons are those we learn by imitation. And, the things we absorb from others are not always true or right, are they? We tend to grow up believing that ‘how it’s done in my house’ is the right way to do it- be that the way money is handled, the kind of food that is preferred, and even the way to relate to a spouse!
Ever watched a little boy imitate his Dad? In ways the tyke isn’t even aware of, he adopts the mannerisms, the values, the behaviors of his father.
Somewhat later in life, the older boy chooses a hero - a celebrity, a sports star, someone he admires - and he copies their look, their way of talking. It can be comical!
Even we adults are effected by our peers.
To figure life out, to get it right, we need mentors, people who can show us how, who can transfer the skills we need for life.
∙ Learning to use a computer really isn’t that tricky, but it is so much easier when someone demonstrates the steps for you.
∙ The same is true with planting a garden and serving a tennis ball, swinging a golf club, introducing yourself to someone you’ve never met – the fundamentals of life all go better if you can learn them from somebody who really knows how, who has mastered a set of skills.
Nowhere in life is this more true than learning to relate to people and to really love people. In many families—maybe even in yours, no one ever took the time to show us how to be a loving person, how to manage conflict, how to get through tough times. Some us want to be better at building and keeping relationships, but we just don’t know the fundamental skills needed.
This morning in my final message of this series about building better relationships, I want to talk with you about loving a better way; about the fundamentals of love that lasts.
TEXT – 1 John 3:10-18
As you turn there, I want to set the scene for a video clip that introduces this message. For the past four weeks we’ve been looking in on scenes about a couple named Caleb and Catherine, the husband and wife who are the central characters in the movie, Fireproof.
Not knowing how to really love each other, Caleb and Catherine do a lot of things to hurt each other. They think marriage is about having their own needs met first. They don’t understand the concept of “moving from me to we.” Because neither one is willing to serve the other, both of them want out. Then, Caleb’s dad challenges him to try 40 days of practical choices based on Biblical wisdom, time in which he can learn the basics of expressing love to his wife.
One of the issues that has pushed this couple apart is Caleb’s obsession with owning a boat. He’s been saving money to buy one for years, while Catherine’s mother needs medical equipment but has no money to purchase it. Watch this video, and see what happens when Caleb finally figures out the true nature of love. The first scene occurs early in the movie, and the second scene happens weeks later.
(Play 5 Fireproof clip)
Some of you might be watching that and thinking, “That’s just for the movies. Our marriage can’t change.” I beg to differ! The heart of the message of Christ is transformation. He can turn a sinner into a saint, heal a broken heart, and teach a person who is fearful of relationships how to love well.
Let’s read what the Bible has to say about loving others, including our spouse.
READ 1 John 3:10-18
That passage is direct, isn’t it?
Four principles summarize that passage:
1. “Every child of God will be loving!”
2. “Even if we are loving, the people in the world around us may hate us.”
3. “The model of love for us is Jesus’ love, demonstrated by His willingsness to give His life for us.”
4. “Real love involves much more than words.”
The English language is rather impoverished when it comes to love language! We love our puppies, our kids, our cars, and our wives. Obviously, some very emotions and actions are involved with those differing kinds of love. The original language of the New Testament was Koine Greek, the universal language of the Roman Empire at the time of Christ.
They had at least three words for love; eros, phileos, and agape.
Eros describes the physical attraction of romance and sexuality.
Phileo describes the affection and loyalty of family and friends.
Agape describes the highest kind of love:
that which is given freely without expectation of benefit, that kind of love which seeks the good of the one loved, more than the good of the one who is loving!
How do these apply to our understanding of love and marriage?
Marital love will certainly include physical attraction. God blesses and encourages intimacy with our spouse. Since in our culture, a cheap form of eroticism is everywhere, it can be confusing to see physical intimacy as a blessing from God! Everyday, the media that bombards with messages uses sex to sell everything from beer to Cadillacs! The young of America are constantly barraged with sexual messages, both explicit and implicit, in the music and media of their generation.
But, despite the cheapening of sexuality, eros remains a gift of God and is part of God’s definition of love. However, eroticism alone, will never sustain a marriage, so it cannot be the better way to love!
Likewise, marriage partners need to be good friends! We need to look for ways to share our lives. I hope you are trying to prioritize your use of time so that there are shared mealtimes, regular nights out together, conversations about the life you share – the stuff of friendship! But, even enjoying times together as good friends, is not a quality of love that provides the kind of intimate bonding that keeps a marriage strong through every season of life.
The quality of love that God encourages us to develop is that called ‘agape’ in the New Testament. Agape is defined by being ‘other centered.’ The person who is filled with agape desires to bring joy to another, to serve the needs of another, to enrich the life of another. Agape is not about the giver, it is about the recipient.
∙ Agape is what moved Jesus Christ to lay aside His divine privileges and become subject to the limits of time and space.
∙ Agape is what caused Him to see the plight of humanity: slaves to Satan, living in the dark, and destined for destruction- and to go the Cross where He took on the offense, paid the accumulated debt, and provided peace with God for all those who receive His gift!
John says, "this is how we’ve come to understand and experience agape: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially ... and not just be out for ourselves." (1 John 3:16, The Message)
There is a widespread view of life in America that makes genuine agape very difficult to understand. What is that view? Something called entitlement! Our government, over the last 50 years, has created vast systems we call ‘entitlements.’ Things like Medicare, Social Security, public education are ‘entitlements.’ People do not need to earn the support of these programs because the law declares they are entitled to them!
But entitlement goes much deeper than government programs. It has been trained into us. We believe we deserve respect, opportunity, support, and above all - to be happy!
How often do you think - “I deserve it!”? I am talking about things like
that piece of cake,
that little flirtation at work,
that dive into internet pornography,
that hobby that takes time and money away from your family,
the demand that your spouse serve your needs regardless of his/her weariness or burdens?
Often when I counsel with a couple whose marriage is in trouble, what I find most often are two people who feel entitled to living the way they want to live, no matter what it costs the other. This is the very opposite of agape!
Imagine what your marriage could be if both of you were all out for the other; readily sacrificing convenience, comfort, dreams, and time for each other expressing agape at every turn?
Ill.- Agape is what I have witnessed in my parent’s home over the last few months. Dad is valiantly struggling with cancer that has taken away his strength gradually over ten months time. Now he is so weakened that he needs full time care. The nights are long for him when his sense of loneliness and fear are more piercing, so he needs someone to be with him all night long.
My Mom, who is also still raising children - it’s a long story - they adopted 10 children starting when they were about 50 years of age. She has five elementary age kids, with all the demand that come with them, and she is caring for her husband, day and night! But she does not complain. She does not seem to mind the fatigue that I see etched into her face. She says nothing of short nights. Why? Because a long, long time ago she grasped the meaning of agape! I see it in my Dad, too. He worries about her, frets about how she manages, and even when he is in distress, often apologizes to her for being a burden!
Bev and I reach for agape in our marriage. When I am wearied by the stresses of ministry, she comes close to hold me. She never says, “I don’t want to hear it. Bear your own burden!”
Most weekdays, when I get home, I start to prepare dinner for us. It delights me to be able to do this small thing that helps her to transition from her school classroom to home.
Neither of those things I mention are of great cost to us, but they are an expression of ‘otherness’ that lays a foundation for those kinds of times that may come our way similar to that in which my Mom and Dad now live!
Let me underscore a critical truth here:
Agape cannot be produced solely by determination or discipline. Agape is the evidence of a transformed heart and mind; the work of the Holy Spirit in us. and a person who is filled with the Holy Spirit
Remember our theme from a couple of weeks ago?
The Bible taught us that “we agape (love) because He agaped (loved) us first!” Agape is possible only when we have surrendered ourselves to Jesus Christ, allowing Him to become our Lord. Then, as we are made alive by the Holy Spirit, we begin to see opportunities to change, to dethrone our ego, to serve with joy - in short, to express agape.
It is such an unnatural thing that Jesus said it is the mark of those who are His true disciples.
"I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”" (John 13:34-35, NLT)
Go with me to another familiar passage this morning, a passage that is a perfect conclusion to this series about relationships.
TEXT – 1 Corinthians 13
In this passage, there are three main thoughts:
READ v. 1-3
First is that love is the core way we express our Christianity.
More than eloquence, more than insight, more than great faith, more than martyrdom - love is to be sought and lived, if we want to live in a way that ultimately reflects Christ Jesus to our world. And, such love gives our lives depth, authenticity, and wealth that simply cannot be found in any other way!
READ v. 4-7
Second is that love is more than a transitory emotion, a feeling, or an idea. Love is active and has real qualities that make a difference in everyday life!
In The Message, a contemporary paraphrase of the Bible, that passage reads:
"Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end. " (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, The Message)
READ v. 8-13
Third is that love is eternal, more valuable even than great spiritual gifts.
Let me put the challenge to you...
Imagine what your marriage could be if both of you were all out for the other; readily sacrificing convenience, comfort, dreams, and time for each other expressing agape at every turn?
In the video clip, Caleb gave up his boat to buy desperately needed medical supplies for his wife’s Mom. He didn’t do it to manipulate her feelings, because he didn’t even tell her! He did it because God was changing his heart, teaching him a better way to love. He’ll do that for you, too!
Perhaps your parents failed to demonstrate real agape in their relationship.
Perhaps you have made some really selfish, even stupid, choices in life that seem to have ruined any change at real love.
God changes lives! “We love, because He loved us first!”
Let Him love you today.
Ask Him to forgive those choices that are loveless. Ask Him to love you intensely.
Then, start to practice agape - in the little daily decisions that accumulate to build a life of lasting love.
PRAYER
Jerry D. Scott, copyright 2008