Fireproof # 4 10-19-2008
Forgiveness – Matthew 18:21-35
For several weeks, I have talked with you about making your relationships, especially your marriage, FireProof. This morning my message is about the second most important skill and action involved in successful relationships, friendships, and marriages. The first, obviously is love. The second? Forgiveness. This is not easy. It is not simply. It is not necessarily ‘once and done!’
It is a choice that we make that brings as much benefit to us as it does to others. Forgiveness is one of the most neglected choices that we can make to enjoy better spiritual, emotional, and physical health!
Have you ever known anyone who was so consumed by anger or hate that they couldn’t think rationally?
Have you ever hit the ‘hot button’ that sets off the red face, the clenched fists, the outburst of angry words?
Have you ever experienced the wonderful release and freedom that accompanies genuine forgiveness
of another person?
It is a complicated subject. Hang with me through the next 30 minutes or so. As I share the wisdom of God with you, some wonderful possibilities can open to you.
Before I begin, I want to show you a clip from the movie Fireproof. Caleb Holt was selfish; not a bad man, but a thoughtless and self-consumed, impatient, and demanding one. His wife finally decided she would not take it anymore and filed for divorce. Caleb, like so many people, woke up too late, but his Dad counseled through a 40 day crash attempt to change his marriage. After weeks of trying to restore his marriage, Caleb Holt asks his wife to forgive him. Watch this… (Clip length = 5:17. SHOW CLIP.)
Turn with me to a story that Jesus told about forgiveness. It’s direct. It’s powerful. Jesus told it to his disciples when Peter wanted to know how many times we should forgive someone. This story shows us the heart of our Heavenly Father.
Read Matthew 18:21-35
This is a story of contrasts! Jesus sets up exaggerated extremes to drive home his point.
Let me talk about a few of the details.
“Ten Thousand Talents” is a huge sum. One talent was equivalent to the entire annual income of about 20 ordinary laborers. This man was in debt for an amount that could employ 200,000 people for a full year! Jesus’ point was not the amount, but rather to impress the impossibility of this man ever even hoping to repay his debt in full. When Jesus mentioned the size of the debt to his first century listeners, every one of them expected to hear that this man was thrown into prison, or worse. That’s how debt was handled then! If prison didn’t cause your family to pay up on your behalf, then your wife and your children could be sold into slavery to settle the debt! Jesus point was - here’s a guy in a hopeless situation!! Then, Jesus threw in the twist.
When the servant asks for mercy, the king sets aside his anger and not only grants his request, he goes one better. Instead of giving him time to pay back the debt—which, he could never do, the king cancels the debt. He forgives him completely!
Then, Jesus, the master teacher, grabs their attention by throwing in another turn in the plot.
When the man just released from this immense debt leaves the court, he sees a man who owes him an amount equal to about 3 months salary. The debtor asks for some time to pay his relatively small and manageable debt. And what does the first man do? He threatened him, then went and got the sheriff to lock the man up!
The obvious injustice outrages some who saw what went down and they went to tell the king whose reaction was yet another twist in the story.
Re-read vv.32-35
The conclusions are not hard to understand!
1. We owe God a huge debt, that we could never hope to repay. Ignoring Him, offending Him,
wasting the life He invests in us, builds a hopeless debt of sin.
2. But, through Christ, just for asking, God forgives us completely!
3. Being forgiven, how can we even think of holding small grudges (or even large ones for that matter)
against others?
So, the very first reason we ought to forgive is because we are forgiven and God desires us to be forgivers.
There are more reasons to forgive!
1. Forgiveness keeps Satan from getting a foothold in our lives.
In Corinthians, Paul speaks of a man who had sinned against God and his church through immoral behavior. When he repented, the church forgave him. Paul said he would too. Listen. "If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes." (2 Corinthians 2:10-11, NIV)
In a passage from Ephesians, he speaks about dealing with our anger in a timely fashion so that the “Devil cannot get a foothold in your life.” I don’t want to give him a foothold in my life. When I harbor anger against a friend, that gives him a weak spot where he can come in and drill deep into me. Bitterness, rage, and unforgiveness often occupy the same neighborhood in our brains and they create gaps in our spiritual and emotional defenses that the Devil will use to destroy us and our families. So I want to forgive.
2. Forgiveness frees you from the control of another!
If we refuse to forgive someone, we usually suffer far more than they do. We wonder what they’re doing when we see them talking to one of our friends. If we see them on the street, we feel tension and try to find a place to avoid contact. If they’re a member of our family, we may stop going to birthday parties or holiday gatherings. Our refusal to forgive allows the other person remain in control of our lives. The reality is, we hurt ourselves far more by our refusal to forgive.
3. Nobody’s perfect! We are all going to need to be forgiven sooner or later.
A forgiver finds forgiveness. That’s what Jesus said. It not just about God, either. A gentle forgiving person, who treats others with respect and kindness, will be treated much more kindly when (and make no mistake I mean when not if) he falls, fails, or offends!
Listen to Jesus’ amazing and wise words:
“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want
the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging."
(Matthew 7:1-2, The Message)
Now, I can hear some of you starting to argue with me.
∙ “But Pastor, you don’t know what my boss did to me.” Jesus does. And some day He’ll right all wrongs. Meanwhile, He wants you to live at peace.
∙ “But Pastor, you don’t know what my husband did to me.” Jesus does. And some day He’ll right all wrongs. Meanwhile, He wants you to live at peace.
∙ “But Pastor, what she did to me was so unfair.” Life’s unfair, we teach that to our children every day. Life’s unfair, but Jesus is forgiving, and one day, He’ll right all wrongs. Meanwhile, He wants you to live at peace. And you can’t live in peace if you don’t forgive.
∙ “But Pastor, my father…” Jesus knows.
Whatever has happened to you, Jesus knows.
Let’s be clear: Forgiveness is not shrugging off some offense, some wrong, even the terrible, horrible, unspeakable wrongs that some of you have endured. It is handing those things over to god and letting him bring about justice in his own way and time!
The question then is this: how do I forgive?
1. Make a decision to forgive.
If you wait until you feel like forgiving, you’ll never get there. Being hurt is an emotional event, and emotions don’t heal by themselves. They heal with the help of your will. It starts with your will, so even if you don’t feel like it, once you make the decision, say to yourself, “I forgive him,” or, “I forgive her.” Your feelings will follow. Do it for the sake of Christ!
Take the initiative. Don’t be passive! The Bible says that if there is something real and tangible that has happened between you, you must go and make it right. Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault. If he listens, you have won your brother over.”
The first step then is - make the decision.
2. Say the words.
You can justify your failure to communicate forgiveness by saying, “Well, they just should know I’ve forgiven them because....” Nonsense!
Sit down and write that letter.
Better yet, open your mouth and ask to talk with that person who hurt you and tell them how you hurt and that you’re forgiving them. You might be amazed at how much you have assumed to be true about the situation that wasn’t all that accurate.
There is something tangible that happens in your heart when you release someone from the wrong they have done to you.
3. When you forgive, let it go!
Put your anger aside, put your hurt, your resentment, your right to revenge aside. In Colossians 3:13, the Apostle Paul says “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” God doesn’t put us on probation. He doesn’t hold our sins over our head to manipulate us. He forgives.
Forgive just like Jesus forgave. How did Jesus forgive?
Did He forgive begrudgingly? Partially? In a way that made Him look good? Did He set up conditions for forgiving you? Did He wait until we deserved forgiveness?
Jesus forgave fully, willingly, humbly, unconditionally, before we ever knew we needed forgiveness, Jesus laid aside His anger, and forgave.
"For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west." (Psalm 103:11-12, NLT)
One reason God wants us to forgive is because He wants us to be like Him, and He is a forgiving God. He forgives utterly, completely, fully. He’s an amazing God. You can be an amazing person if you’ll just do this one thing well: forgive others.
Make no mistake. It is hard. It requires self-sacrifice. It is always risky. But, God wants us to forgive and He will help us to make it happen.
4. Forgive repeatedly.
Forgiveness is like peeling an onion. There are many, many layers to human relationships. We forgive one thing and it may bring up another. We think have forgiven someone, only to discover that we are still offended.
Peter thought that forgiving someone 7 times was noble, but Jesus challenged him to 77 times. Please under what the Lord was saying! He wasn’t suggesting that we keep a running tally. “Forgive generously,” was His intent.
When you forgive, realize that you may have to forgive the same offense more than once—not because the offense needs to be forgiven multiple times, but because you need to set aside your anger multiple times.
Two important things to remember:
Give up that old myth about forgiving that says: “Just forgive and forget.”
When someone hurts you deeply, your brain records that. It’s there, you can’t forget it. You can release them from debt. You can offer them a renewed relationship, but you can’t forget. If you try, you’ll only make it worse, because when you remember you’ll feel guilty!
In the same vein, remember that - Forgiveness is very different from trusting or reconciliation!
Sometimes someone will say “My husband has a drug problem, but he wants to reconcile with me and he has asked me to forgive him.” Or they will say, “My spouse cheated on me and now he wants me to forgive him and get back together.”
To both of them, I say a similar thing:
“That’s good. You should forgive him or her.”
Often they’ll say, “But I can’t trust him.”
To which I’ll say,
“That’s good too. You shouldn’t trust him.”
So the logical question is,
“Well, how can I forgive without granting trust?”
To which I say, “You just do it.”
When you forgive, you release, you lay aside your desire to get even, to have a time for payback!
But if your husband has had a history of drug abuse, you would be a fool to leave him alone with a large sum of money and trust that he’ll do the right thing with it.
If your spouse cheated on you, you have every right to know where he or she is, who they are with, and what they are doing!
Here’s an important distinction:
∙ Forgiveness must be granted, it can’t be earned.
∙ Trust should not be granted. It must be earned.
When someone establishes a pattern of untrustworthy behavior, you can’t trust them until they demonstrate real and lasting change of heart and character.
So, when a repeat offender wants to be forgiven, you grant forgiveness. If they want to restore the relationship, then you set up a system by which they earn the new trust they desire.
This is very important, so let me say it again:
∙ Forgiveness must be granted. No one can earn it.
∙ While trust must be earned, granting it would do no one any favors.
______________________
Let’s summarize.
First - Forgiveness is God’s will and He showed us how by offering us forgiveness through Christ.
Second - Forgiveness is a choice; one that is godly, that brings us great benefit, and that honors Christ.
Third - Forgiveness often a process and must not be confused with reconciliation. Forgiveness can be granted. Reconciliation requires participation of both parties!
Each week I have closed with a challenge:
Each of the challenges so far has been something you’ve had to do at home. Today’s can be accomplished, or at least started right here, right now.
In a moment, as I pray, I invite you to let God show you if you are refusing to forgive another.
If He does, the challenge to you is this:
Will you make the decision to forgive - right here, right now?
If you need forgiveness, will you accept Christ Jesus and His forgiveness?
Then I challenge you to continue the process.
Sit down and write a letter. Make a phone call.
Or better yet, engage your spouse and ask forgiveness for wrongs that have been pushed under the rug.
_______________________
Let me pray for you.
God, help in the restoration process, as so many of us begin forgiving today.
Thank you, Lord, for the forgiveness granted by Jesus to us, a model for forgiveness so amazing and
so complete!
We commit our decision to the Lord and pray for ability to peel the onion one layer more tomorrow, and the next day and the next day.
Help us to forgive as we are forgiven. In Jesus’ Name.
Amen.
We seldom do this, but today I want us to pray the Lord’s Prayer together.
I’ll put the words up for you so no one need fumble about them.
And when we get to the part about forgiveness phrase, pray it like you mean it.
Would you stand with me as we pray this?
“Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one."
For yours is the Kingdom, the power, and the glory forever. Amen
(Matthew 6:9-13, NIV)
Jerry D. Scott
Source- Outreach.com