Fireproof Your Relationships: # 1
He Said/She Said
TEXT - Ephesians 5:21-33
This weekend, Sherwood Films released a film called, “Fireproof.” The movie tells a story of a couple – Caleb and Catherine - whose marriage is breaking up. They’ve been together for seven years, but they’ve lost that lovin’ feeling, and it appears that their relationship will collapse under pressures they once thought could not touch them!
“Fireproof” is the story of how this couple, with the help of God, put their marriage and their lives back together again. They struggle through the issues of forgiving, rekindling feelings for each other, breaking free of addictions and things that hold us back, and finding the love of God.
Using an occasional video clip from “FireProof,” we’re going to explore these themes over the next six weeks as we learn how to Fireproof our Relationships. By the way, just two of my messages in the series will be exclusively about marriage. The other four will cover issues that all of us deal with as we learn to love those around us.
I want to give you principles and practices from the Bible that will fireproof your marriage, your friendships, and your relationships at work, school and play.
Today, we’re going to look at how to get along with members of the opposite sex. I hope by now you’ve noticed that men and women are different? In the film, one of the first cracks that develops in Caleb and Catherine’s relationship comes from a challenge all men and women face, which is,
“How do I relate to someone who is so different than me?”
In this clip we’re about to show, watch what can happen if you expect your partner to be just like you.
(Play the Fireproof 2 clip )
I thought about putting all the men on one side of the room this morning, and all the women on the other so you could all elbow and kibitz and agree about the superiority of your gender and the strangeness of the opposite sex. But, since our assignment today is to learn to live together, stay where you are.
Let’s go instead to the wisdom of Scripture to discover what God has to say about this.
TEXT - EPHESIANS 5 Pew Bible page 1823
Before I read, let me remind you these words are not advice on the order of that dispensed by Dr. Phil or Oprah! This is the wisdom of the Designer, God’s own insight into what makes us tick! We’re about to see that God sees as a different. The difference is a completing difference, and when we appreciate it, and use it - we become stronger, better equipped for life!
As I read this, see if you can identify how men are to treat their wives and women are to treat their husbands.
READ Ephesians 5:21-33
There are three of principles here that, if you practice them, will allow God, the Holy Spirit, to work in your marriage, not just fireproofing it, but making it a thing of beauty that honors Him and brings joy to you.
First, the first verse I read, Ephesians 5:21 gives the over-all governing thought for what is to follow. Paul says, in v. 21, SUBMIT TO ANOTHER OUT OF REVERENCE FOR CHRIST.
Among us fiercely independent Americans, that word “submit” stirs some powerful passions! We almost always equate ‘submission’ with weakness or inferiority. The Biblical concept is completely different. God’s call to us is based on a voluntary surrender of our individuality, for the purpose of gaining a kind of strength that is not available to us in any other way!
Nowhere in this passage is the idea of dominance or being over-powered by force in view!
God invites us to give up our individual ‘rights’ voluntarily “out of reverence for Christ.”
Men and women are to line themselves up under their mates in order to make the marriage work. Each one is to give up their rights and look out for the best interests of their partner. Do this and the marriage will work well.
If you refuse to give up your rights, here’s a negative guarantee: Your marriage won’t work well.
There is a basic paradigm shift required of us to make marriage work - simply stated it is:
The “Me” dies, the “We” lives!
Giving up our rights is an essential part of meeting each other’s needs.
Ill. If my wife needs me to take out the trash, I submit, I line myself up under her. I give up my right to sit on the couch and watch the next point being scored or the next piece of action in the movie I’m watching.
Conversely, if I need my wife to figure out the directions while we’re driving to a friend’s house, she figures them out as well as she can, and gives them to me. We submit to each other.
Mutual submission is one of the great keys to a great marriage.
So, fireproofing principle number 1 is…
1. Marriage works best when both husband and wife give up their rights for the sake of the other.
Men, that doesn’t mean that she has to rub your feet every time you ask her to.
And women, it doesn’t mean that he has to run to the supermarket just because you’re craving Turkey Hill Moose Tracks ice cream.
Elsewhere, in 1 PETER 3:7, God says, “husbands, be considerate as you live with your wife.” - Consider her needs. Consider her personality. Study your wife and figure out what enables her to grow and what brings out the best in her and when you’ve figured that out, do it.
That’s principle number one. The principle of submission. Give up your rights.
It’s not just a marriage issue! American politics are in a terrible state today because Republicans and Democrats are incapable of cooperating with each other. Neither party, neither candidate wants to look ‘weak,’ so we have a gridlock in Washington, fueled by monumental egos and refusal to look for common cause! Some homes represented right here in this room today are in the same kind of gridlock, captives of the egos of two people who refuse to submit to one another for the common good.
Men, imagine what would happen if your wife sat you down at a table tomorrow and said,
“Honey, I’ve been making some demands of you, and I’m giving those up. I’m lining up behind you to look out for your best interests. I’m giving up my rights to expect you to be who I think you should be.”
Women, imagine what would happen if your husband sat you down at a table tomorrow and said,
“I know there are some things you’ve needed from me and I haven’t been willing to line up with them. But starting today, I’m going to do my best to meet your needs, as I understand them.”
For some of us, there would be a quiet revolution of joy, which is how marriage was designed in the first place.
Husbands, submit to your wife. Wives, submit to your husband. That’s principle #1 of a fireproof marriage. Because if we’ve each got the other’s back, then nothing can sneak up on us and no one can get between us.
The second fireproofing principle comes from the last verse, where Paul says,
“Each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” – Ephesians 5:33
I want to spend some time here friends, because this is so important.
Are husbands and wives given the same command?
No, because the Lord knows a fact that most people resist fervently today. Men and women are different! He has called us to different roles in the family and equipped us to fulfill those roles.
∙ What are husbands supposed to do? – Love their wives.
∙ What are wives supposed to do? – Respect their husbands.
Does that mean that husbands don’t have to respect their wives? (No.)
Does it mean that wives don’t have to love their husbands? (No.)
Pay close attention:
You can’t love without respecting, and -
You can’t respect without loving.
But because we are different, we have different ways of receiving what we need.
While men want to be loved, at the core of their being, we need to be respected by the one that matters most to us, or it’s very hard to compete in the world we live in.
Likewise, while women want to be respected, they have a hard time fulfilling their life’s purpose unless they feel loved by the one who matters most to them.
Here’s the core principle:
2. Marriage works best when we understand that there are differences and treat each other accordingly.
As we saw in the clip I played a few moments ago, it is easy to talk about those differences, even to make them a cause for resentment. IF we are willing to consider that the difference is an opportunity, things can change.
There are some very obvious differences between men and women.
Men have thicker skulls, thicker skin, more red blood cells and more muscle tissue.
Women tend to be more resistant to heat and cold and outlive men by several years.
Little girls are more verbal than boys. In a Harvard study of hundreds of preschoolers, researchers found that 100% of the sounds coming from little girls’ mouths were words, whereas only 60% of sounds coming from preschool boys were words. The other 40% were yells and sound effects like, “Vrrooom!” “Aaaaagh!” and “Toot, toot!”
Gary Smalley, a relationship expert, points out that-
“This difference persists into adulthood. Communication experts say that the average woman speaks over 25,000 words a day, while the average man speaks only a little over 10,000. What does this mean in marital terms? Very often a man has already used up his 10,000 words at work… while his wife is just warming up!”
“I have asked several thousand women how much time they need to spend with their husbands in meaningful conversation. A wife will say 45 minutes to an hour each day. What do their husbands sitting next to them say is enough? Fifteen to 20 minutes – once or twice a week!”
These differences are what make marriage challenging!
We could create a long, long list of ways in which we’re different. But for now, for fireproofing purposes, let’s just start with one, because it will take us 90% of the way down the field to a good marriage.
JERRY - here
Women, you’ve never been a man (I hope), so take this on faith:
while we can be tough and sometimes rude on the outside, on the inside, there’s a little boy inside to us that needs the one who matters most to us to believe in us. If we’re not the heroes of our homes, then we’re not going to be heroes anywhere else. If you’ve stopped respecting your husband, think about what first attracted you to him, pray about how you can regain that sense of respect, make a list of things you need to do if it will help you, but decide that you are going to respect your husband once again and then get about showing it to him.
Phrases like these will really help:
I’m so proud of you!
I believe in you!
You do that so well!
Men, that would feel really good to hear every day, wouldn’t it?
Men, I must tell you that your challenge is bigger than the one I’ve just given to your wives.
Because God says that she needs love, and that your job isn’t just to give her spoonfuls of it.
Our Scripture text says, Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. – Ephesians 5:25
Men, you’ll never go through monthly swings of hormones or the puzzle of menopause. You’ll never get to carry a baby around inside of you, or do any of those things that make women. So, you’ll never really understand what it’s like to be a woman.
Take this by faith: your wife needs to know that you love her.
She needs to hear it from you, see it from you, feel it from you, receive it from you. Please don’t think SEX at this moment! The way she receives love best will probably be a way that you have never studied or trained or prepared for. She receives love best when you really listen to her.
– Listen to her dreams and her feelings and her fears and her thoughts.
If you will sit and listen, with full eye contact, and as much emotional engagement as possible, for 5 to 10 minutes a day, it will fill her more than you can know and reap more benefits for you than you can imagine.
When you’re listening to her, she really isn’t looking for solutions, O wise one! You’ll be tempted to descend from the heights of Mt. Olympus to impart wisdom. She doesn’t want you to fix her. She wants empathy, a real sense that you take her seriously and are interested in who she is and want she does.
So, while she’s talking, as best you can, try to listen for and understand what she’s feeling. Then say something like, “That must have felt terrible.” or, “That must have felt great.” If you got it wrong, she’ll let you know and you may need to start over, but take your best shot at it.
Listen to her, pay attention to her. Then, say it to her. “Honey, I love you. Of all the women in the world, I choose you, and I’m so glad I did.” “Honey, you are the woman of my dreams.”
Men, write this down:
If you want to fill her tank tomorrow, pick up the phone and call. Say, “I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and I love you.” Then, don’t ask her for anything, to remind her of anything, don’t plan or solve anything. Just listen!
Let’s look at our assignments again:
Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. – Ephesians 5:33
Simply put –
A. MEN NEED RESPECT.
B. WOMEN NEED LOVE.
If you had to take the second principle by faith, this principle may require even more faith. It comes out of v. 32. “This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church.” – Ephesians 5:32
Listen carefully:
3. Marriage works best when you understand and remember that something more than your personal happiness is at stake. In your marriage, you are living out a preview of your relationship to Jesus in heaven.
On a very deep level, marriage is a mystery. A mystery is something you cannot understand unless it is explained or revealed to you.
Here’s the revelation:
God, who exists in relationship as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, loves relationships. He loves them so much that He wanted more relationships. So He created us. He placed us on this planet and said, “grow.”
But instead, our first parents, Adam and Eve, turned their backs on God. Their disobedience, an expression of self-will, broke the intimacy!
God still wanted the relationship to work, so He decided to do the work necessary to restore it. He sent His one and only Son, so that whoever would believe in Him, whoever would be willing, could have a relationship with God, forever! Jesus was that Son. He came, lived among us, showing us God’s love, and then died on our behalf, to pay for the sins we’d committed.
His hope is that we’ll receive His act of love on our behalf, accept the forgiveness He offers, and come back into relationship with Him. If we’ll do that, the Bible says that we will not only live closely with Him for the rest of our lives here on earth, but we’ll be united with Him one day in heaven. Not just with Him but united with him, like a bride to her groom.
When we receive God’s love, we become the beloved Bride of Christ. Here’s the mystery.
What you and I experience in marriage here on earth is somehow a reflection, a preparation, and a foreshadowing of our relationship with Christ forever in heaven.
“This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church.” – Ephesians 5:32
Marriage is a profound mystery, because it’s modeled after the relationship of Christ with His people, the church, whom He calls His bride. What a model for us! What an ideal to live up to.
Let me summarize as I close this message:
If you are married, or plan to be married, treat your marriage carefully, sacredly.
∙ 1. Give up your rights.
∙ 2. Build it with fireproof materials like love and respect.
∙ 3. Recognize that you will never fully understand all that is involved in a life-long commitment to a single spouse, and revel in the fact that you do not pretend to understand it.
∙ 4. What we do with marriage matters, friends, because it is a mysterious rehearsal for what God’s Son will do one day with all who call on His name.
Over these next six weeks I am going to give you some Challenges; practical assignments designed to raise the level of your relationships, whether you’re married or single.
So, are you up for this, friends?
I know many of you thought you were just going to come to a nice safe church service, sit through it and go home. But church was never meant to be that way, but rather life-changing and God-honoring, and hope-filled.
So are you up for this first challenge?
∙ Wives: what makes your husband feel respected by you?
And therefore, what would you like to do this week to make him feel respected by you?
∙ Husbands: what makes your wife feel loved?
And therefore, what would you like to do this week to make her feel loved by you?
For those who are unmarried, there is an assignment, too.
Look for ways to add value to the lives of others by giving them greater love or respect?
PRAYER
Jerry D. Scott, 2008
Resource - Outreach.com "FireProof"